How to accept a compliment is a lesson that is much more difficult to learn than you might expect. Someone takes the time to tell you that they appreciate something about you. Obviously, you have done something right and you have built some goodwill with whoever has just complimented you. Your next words are important. What you say next will either further delight them or undercut the generous words they said a moment ago. What do you say?
The Worst Response
In my first book, The Influencer, I relayed the story about how I had always struggled to fit in among my elementary school class. I was a different kind of kid and never felt like I truly belonged. One day I was invited out with some of the kids to play ball and I played fairly well. After the game, I was shooting the breeze with them and actually had a decent conversation. This prompted one of my would-be friends to say, “You’re pretty cool, Wolff.”
Maybe I had always harbored some unprocessed resentment for never having been part of the “in-crowd,” but my response was stupid. “About time you guys figured that out,” I said, completely oblivious to what kind of jerk that comment made me sound like. Someone had taken a moment to say something kind and I rubbed his nose in it. Suffice to say, I didn’t have another opportunity to screw up my response. I graduated elementary school still outside of the “in-crowd”.
When someone pays you a compliment, the worst thing you can do is come off as arrogant. Arrogance, showboating, or other forms of “spiking the football” doesn’t make you look mature, reasonable, or kind. It makes you look like a target, and believe me, if you do this long enough, everyone will either be gunning for you or grabbing the popcorn when you are eventually attacked.
The Next Worse Response
The next type of poor response to a compliment may be less obvious. And, this response I’ve observed to be more often, but not exclusively, performed by women. Whereas the last type of response emerges from a lack of humility, this response emerges from an excess of humility. Someone pays you a compliment and not wanting to appear arrogant you respond, “Oh, it was nothing,” or, “It wasn’t that big a deal.” In one’s desire not to appear arrogant, he or she succeeds in looking self-immolating. You also make the person complimenting you look foolish because they actually felt you worthy of a compliment.
Yes, much is being said about people today enjoying very high self-esteem due to how they were raised. But that criticism is associated with people who don’t merit high self-esteem. People who earn compliments and recognition through achievement and excellence are deserving of elevated self-esteem. People compliment you to signal that they see in you a degree of excellence and want to offer you validation so as to continue.
Never undercut your contribution (and your value) nor other’s assessment of you by declaring the compliment invalid.
The Proper Response
So if too much arrogance and too much humility are problems, what is the proper way to respond to a compliment? A simple, “Thank you,” usually works well. Sometimes it makes sense to recognize other’s contributions. “Thank you so much. I am proud of what I helped to achieve, but I had a lot of help.” If you really want to show some humility, find ways to acknowledge success, but also one’s frailty, “Thank you. Things worked out. I was a little worried in the days leading up to it, but I’m quite happy with the outcome.”
Always acknowledge success. Make yourself worthy of the compliment. Only then is a display of humility warranted. Arrogance never is.
Master the Moments
I have found that much individual success comes down to mastering the small moments like accepting a compliment. I tackle a similar topic on the Art of the Apology in Spotlight on the Art of Grace. People who navigate conversations (especially the difficult ones) with grace and care are the ones who assemble great teams, develop expansive networks, and build a reputation for class and dignity.
