To Whom Do You Compare Yourself
I am the younger of two brothers. We were born 16 months apart. Growing up with an older brother, particularly an older brother close in age, is tough. I don’t care who you are, when your sibling is only 16 months older than you, you compare yourself to him or her. Of course, it’s not fair. When you are young, 16 months represents a quantum leap of growth, physical maturity, and development. My brother and I competed and fought continuously. He would win every fight and every competition. In time, I came to look at myself worse. No matter what I did, I couldn’t win. This painful perception gradually soaked into me and into my interactions with others. I grew more inept in sports, became more clumsy, and found myself more awkward. Though I can’t attribute all of this to my interactions with my older brother, today, I believe it was a large part of why I was plagued with low self-confidence for years. No one ever took me aside and told me that I was being really hard on myself by comparing myself to my older brother.
The Next Generation
It is with is in mind that I look at my 2nd born. Ellie is 17 months younger than her older brother. Much like me, she is weaker and less cognitively advanced than her older brother. The two fight and compete and Ellie generally doesn’t win. It’s been a rough go for her in recent years. She wants to do well, but she sometimes sees herself as snake bit—incapable of doing anything right. I try to pull her aside to tell her she shouldn’t feel bad if Josh usually wins when they compete. Josh is older and is a bit more grown up. I tell her that competing with Josh will help her in the long run, if she just realizes that he’s going to win more often than not. We become better when we compete better opponents. I try to help her see that losing isn’t an identity, but a circumstance of the moment. If I do my job right, she will avoid the confidence challenges that stuck with me for so long. And, of course, it’s kind of important I get this right—not only for her sake but I have another pair coming down the pipe.
In business, our junior people are inexperienced and many of them are terrified of making mistakes. They lack confidence and they often compare themselves to people well beyond their level of skill. Our job as leaders is to ensure that our junior personnel are nurtured and empowered as they gain skill and that their comparisons are realistic and motivating rather than discouraging.
I no longer engage in competition with my brother. We have different interests and skill sets. We are no longer in the same sandbox. I have continued to grow over the years and I no longer compare myself to other people unless I adjust for the many years of additional experience they have over me. When we’re both at similar levels of experience, I usually stack up pretty well. I imagine you do too.
